The Tendency to Compare with Others

Once I conform to a certain group. I have tendency to compare ourselves to others in group around me. They are funnier, and better at drawing, singing, studying and that, which makes me worse, and miserable. I hate the feeling of being worthless. The human nature to conform a group and make hierarchy is deeply related to our role as a social animal. Our brain is not changed much from the past, we used to form a group and we depended on how well we form a group and co-operate with others for survival. In social group, being a leader or alpha meant health, control, influence, and more potential of sexual opportunities. The situation in the society is very different because of the changes of living due to technological advancement. However, it seems we are more in control of our fate. However, not much changed, and our human nature to conform to a group and constantly compare ourselves with others in the group is still deeply ingrained to us.

Through my readings and introspection, I think I should connect this human nature to conform and make hierarchy and the problems of increasing the number of narcissistic people around the world.

Narcissism is our human nature to create image or belief ourselves of inside, and feel important, special and worth. Someone might get feeling of importance and worth from

Money (I have a lot of money)

Work (I am proud of working here and there)

their appearance (I am good-looking or beautiful)

talent (I am talented at something)

knowledge (I am very smart)

accomplishment (I have done this and this in life)

attention or acceptance from opposite sex (I am accepted and loved by many partners)

admiration and attention from others (I get so much attention from others)

and so, on

There is nothing bad about these beliefs. The sense of identity is vital in order to trust ourselves and keep advancing in life. Without the sense of worth and belief to be able to do and overcome anything, we will lose the power to live and get up and move forward in life when faced with adversities.

The tricky part here is we feel envy and inferior toward another person when we see someone who have more and better at what we get sense of worth and importance from, and everyone hate this feeling of inferiority, and we never want to feel this way again.

Due to the internet, SNS, and globalization, we must compare ourselves and compete with not only those around us, but those around the world to feel superior and important. More and more people tend to become self-observed and escape from reality to defense their image of importance. Forming a grandiose image of self becomes a defense system to deal with this constant need to battle and compare ourselves to the world around us. We never feel enough, constantly comparing ourselves with others, and we constantly have to prove to the world “We are still worthy.” We, humanity, will face a terrible future if we ignore the problem, narcissistic generation, a generation which consists of self-centered people who use others to get they want, attention, admiration, praise to get the sense of importance, failing to get into other people’s perspective, making others less important in order to feel them important. Living in a such life will be endless battles with no chances of victory because there is always someone better and having more than us.

We need strategies to deal with this annoying human nature to conform and compare.

These days, I study about narcissism, and observe people around me how self-observed they are, including myself, and I realized people around me think almost the same way, and try different strategies to feel important and better.

Do not look at their words, but their deeds.

Robert Greene

Actions: Gossips

Goal: Feel Superiority(all)

Bringing others down, and attacking them in order to feel important or strong.

↓

They are not as good as it seems, and I am attacking another person, so I am somewhat superior.

Reversal

I think it is better to improve myself and what is in our control, learning new things instead of gossiping and making others down. It is a complete waste of time. It is much productive to think about how I can make the world and people I work and interact with feel comfortable and important, instead of make others unimportant. Get the feeling of importance by making other people’s life better.

Actions: Being with those who are very alike.

Goal: Boost our own ego

They are like me, so I am worthy and I am accepted.

↓

It sometimes leads to judge those who are different and unique as threads to their ego and insecurities.

Reversal

There is no one completely similar. We are different by nature. Accepting other people’s differences and using the differences for better creativity, putting different opinions together, and making a better one, we will have a newer and better strategies to deal with life.

Actions: Looking down on someone

Goal: superiority(intelligent)

This often happens among professors. I feel they are looking down on others or students in order to feel intellectually superior, and feel students and others around them stupid.

↓

Each person knows better at something because of their experiences in life. Usually, making others feel like they are stupid comes from insecurity and want to control others. They will often rage when they are doubt their intellectual flaws, and they fear it so much that they need to control their actions.

Reversal

Instead of making others stupid, try to learn from others. Consider others people as an undiscovered country, everything others say is not a fact, but an opinion. You will always learn something interesting and new from others about how other human beings see life as they see. It is like a reading a new book, and putting into another person’s perspective, and way of thinking. It should be not boring, but fun!

“Every man I meet is superior in some way in that, I learn of him.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it

Actions: Seeking approval and attention from others

Goal: By making others like you, by being admired by others, you would feel you are worthy. I often tend to fall in this trap by making other women like me by seducing them, and believing girls like me, so I am worthy.

↓

You are projecting your weakness to feel special and important toward others. You will be sensitive to every action that your partner takes. You want to control him/her because you need that person to feel special and alive. The relationships will be not to connect and love and help each other, but to soothe your weakness and insecurity.

Reversal

Instead of make use of another person to feel important, and make you special. Try to love and influence others not by what I can get from others, but what others want from us. Keeping love needs both loving and being loved. It should be both ways, giving and taking love. Do not only focus on being loved, but love, put other people’s perspective and understand it, and see and accept the person who they are, and their potential. If you try to force others to change, you are not in our control because it is in their control, and you will be miserable. If you think you can change yourself, not others, you are in control by improving yourself and actions. Others will not respond the way you want, but you are in control because you focus on your time and effort on what you can control.

“Be the Flame, not the Moth.”

Casanova

There are many others ways, and I want to add and explore about this subject in order to understand other people and why they do what they do. I think this will help me to find out who I do want to be, and who I do not want to.

My Strategies for the human nature to conform and feel important

1) Be Self-reliant

The endless misery starts from conformity, and it comes from the lack of sense of self. In early childhood, we were helpless and powerless. We needed others to live and survive. We needed to conform to the family and society. The reality was so harsh that we believed the parents and the group we belong as god. We feel protected by some divine power. In that way, we could feel safe and secure. We decided to conform because we have decided to conform and listen to others because we decided to do so in the past. However, we need to open our eyes to face the reality, and be an adult. People around us are not as good as we think. We are essentially alone. What the society and others consider to be good or bad is not based on reality, but their weaknesses and ignorance. You do not have to follow necessarily what others believe and follow. You must realize your uniqueness as a human being and must start to think for yourself, not accepting blindly what others follow in life. It is fucking liberating. You will decide the sense of self by being confident not on how others see you, but on reality, your uniqueness and your ability to think for yourself. It does not mean you can be a shit because you like to do it. You know who you are and where you are and, the sense of love you feel is much more profound. You think about your natural gift and work you are meant to do in this earth by knowing yourself deeply. The stronger the sense of who you are as an individual based on reality, and the stronger you will be to the pull of conformity, and you can think for yourself, and stop getting the sense of importance from outside. It is like a muscle you must constantly develop over and over.

“There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorant; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself better, for worse, as his portion; that through the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2) Focus on Your mission in every moment

Once you develop the strong self-awareness, and sense of who you are, you can start develop your mission as a human being, which comes from the sense of who you are and conscience and what you consider to be good and bad. It is unique for everyone, and no one can decide it for you. You decide it yourself.

My mission is

I act as a good human being, a painstaking student, a good father, a strong warrior, who loves his family and fellow human beings, and work for the society, the humanity, and the nature he belongs to, using his unique gift at every moment, while living accordance to nature.

The chief aim in my life for now is to create an effective and well-organized community or organization which thrives at every aspect of life in this harsh world and everyone in the group can feel easy, safe, and also seek individual fulfillment to flourish their potential, while serving for the greater good of others, and solving problems in the community and the world, through its service.

My ultimate goal is to make a world where everyone should be treated like a unique individual not based on competition, and on who they are, and people around the world have to solve the greatest obstacles and problems around the world as humanity. There is no time, thinking about fucking our own shits. There should be less unnecessary suffering, more comfort in others.

In every moment, act on our mission, until we perish, and become dust.

“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life-daily and our hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl

3) Get the Sense of Worth from We Can Control

We can decide everything in life into two categories, what you can control and what you cannot control. We feel wretched when we get sense of self and worth form things which are not in our control because they are unstable, belonging to others, and they can leave you as easy as you get it. What are things which are not in our control?

Body(appearance)

As you age, it cannot help becoming less attractive to others physically. You will become less attractive, and you will have less hair. It is a reality.

Property

Property, Money, things you have are controlled by others because others decide they pay you money or not, and others can take them away from you anytime.

Reputation

The acceptance and admiration from others will make us feel good, but often this is often not based on who you really are, but illusions people have on you. You will be disappointed if you put too much trust in such illusion. They will leave you when they realize your true nature.

command

Power and status can become weak by time. The circumstances can change, and there are always better and more talented people around you, who can take your place.

Get the sense of worth from thing we can control

Skill, Knowledge and wits

Skills, Experiences, knowledge and what we have learned in our life time can be a great ally in facing a difficult situation, and they are what really matter.

Actions

We are not in control of how others react to us, but we are in control of our action. We can love others, but others may not love us back. It is OK.

Our human nature to conform and the problems of increasing the number of people who are narcissistic due social media is very crucial. How to deal with the anxiety coming from the human nature is very important to become a more integrated human, and solve the problems and chaos in the world.