Introvert and Extrovert

There is an idea of deciding people's character for introvert or extrovert by Curl Young.

I do not know the reason why people are separated into these categories.
It is said these are related to DNA, and our relationships with childhood, and our habits, and the degrees of narcissism of the people, I am no idea about that, or habits or all of them, which forms unique chiropractor of a person. I do not know the reason. I need to read books on these topics in order to have deeper understanding.

Anyway, I do not know why, and I really like to connect to others and be with them, but

I prefer focusing on my ideas or reading books on several subjects  and sometimes I want to escape from others in nature and be alone, working on my own ideas about something or planning.

I do not know why and it is not good or bad.

Those Who I Admire

I tend to admire those who had a great influence and had a good influence on my life like Robert Greene, Adan de botton, Steven R Covey. People admire those who did a great things, writing great books, finding a great scientific, produced a interesting films, and so on. Then, what happens to those who could not accomplish anything. Is their life meaningless? I do not think so. They are living as harsh as those who succeed. What is different is only how they affect the world by their deed. Yeah, in this way, those who are admired should be admired for their action and work. They should deserve that, but should those who do not or could not accomplish anything feel worthless compared to that? Each of us is going with this harsh life full of suffering. 

I should treat each person I meet with love and respect with understanding of why they do what they do even though the worst types.

Comparison comes from conformity only way to get out of conformity is to find meaning in life.

The Tendency to Compare with Others

Once I conform to a certain group. I have tendency to compare ourselves to others in group around me. They are funnier, and better at drawing, singing, studying and that, which makes me worse, and miserable. I hate the feeling of being worthless. The human nature to conform a group and make hierarchy is deeply related to our role as a social animal. Our brain is not changed much from the past, we used to form a group and we depended on how well we form a group and co-operate with others for survival. In social group, being a leader or alpha meant health, control, influence, and more potential of sexual opportunities. The situation in the society is very different because of the changes of living due to technological advancement. However, it seems we are more in control of our fate. However, not much changed, and our human nature to conform to a group and constantly compare ourselves with others in the group is still deeply ingrained to us.

Through my readings and introspection, I think I should connect this human nature to conform and make hierarchy and the problems of increasing the number of narcissistic people around the world.

Narcissism is our human nature to create image or belief ourselves of inside, and feel important, special and worth. Someone might get feeling of importance and worth from

Money (I have a lot of money)

Work (I am proud of working here and there)

their appearance (I am good-looking or beautiful)

talent (I am talented at something)

knowledge (I am very smart)

accomplishment (I have done this and this in life)

attention or acceptance from opposite sex (I am accepted and loved by many partners)

admiration and attention from others (I get so much attention from others)

and so, on

There is nothing bad about these beliefs. The sense of identity is vital in order to trust ourselves and keep advancing in life. Without the sense of worth and belief to be able to do and overcome anything, we will lose the power to live and get up and move forward in life when faced with adversities.

The tricky part here is we feel envy and inferior toward another person when we see someone who have more and better at what we get sense of worth and importance from, and everyone hate this feeling of inferiority, and we never want to feel this way again.

Due to the internet, SNS, and globalization, we must compare ourselves and compete with not only those around us, but those around the world to feel superior and important. More and more people tend to become self-observed and escape from reality to defense their image of importance. Forming a grandiose image of self becomes a defense system to deal with this constant need to battle and compare ourselves to the world around us. We never feel enough, constantly comparing ourselves with others, and we constantly have to prove to the world “We are still worthy.” We, humanity, will face a terrible future if we ignore the problem, narcissistic generation, a generation which consists of self-centered people who use others to get they want, attention, admiration, praise to get the sense of importance, failing to get into other people’s perspective, making others less important in order to feel them important. Living in a such life will be endless battles with no chances of victory because there is always someone better and having more than us.

We need strategies to deal with this annoying human nature to conform and compare.

These days, I study about narcissism, and observe people around me how self-observed they are, including myself, and I realized people around me think almost the same way, and try different strategies to feel important and better.

Do not look at their words, but their deeds.

Robert Greene

Actions: Gossips

Goal: Feel Superiority(all)

Bringing others down, and attacking them in order to feel important or strong.

↓

They are not as good as it seems, and I am attacking another person, so I am somewhat superior.

Reversal

I think it is better to improve myself and what is in our control, learning new things instead of gossiping and making others down. It is a complete waste of time. It is much productive to think about how I can make the world and people I work and interact with feel comfortable and important, instead of make others unimportant. Get the feeling of importance by making other people’s life better.

Actions: Being with those who are very alike.

Goal: Boost our own ego

They are like me, so I am worthy and I am accepted.

↓

It sometimes leads to judge those who are different and unique as threads to their ego and insecurities.

Reversal

There is no one completely similar. We are different by nature. Accepting other people’s differences and using the differences for better creativity, putting different opinions together, and making a better one, we will have a newer and better strategies to deal with life.

Actions: Looking down on someone

Goal: superiority(intelligent)

This often happens among professors. I feel they are looking down on others or students in order to feel intellectually superior, and feel students and others around them stupid.

↓

Each person knows better at something because of their experiences in life. Usually, making others feel like they are stupid comes from insecurity and want to control others. They will often rage when they are doubt their intellectual flaws, and they fear it so much that they need to control their actions.

Reversal

Instead of making others stupid, try to learn from others. Consider others people as an undiscovered country, everything others say is not a fact, but an opinion. You will always learn something interesting and new from others about how other human beings see life as they see. It is like a reading a new book, and putting into another person’s perspective, and way of thinking. It should be not boring, but fun!

“Every man I meet is superior in some way in that, I learn of him.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it

Actions: Seeking approval and attention from others

Goal: By making others like you, by being admired by others, you would feel you are worthy. I often tend to fall in this trap by making other women like me by seducing them, and believing girls like me, so I am worthy.

↓

You are projecting your weakness to feel special and important toward others. You will be sensitive to every action that your partner takes. You want to control him/her because you need that person to feel special and alive. The relationships will be not to connect and love and help each other, but to soothe your weakness and insecurity.

Reversal

Instead of make use of another person to feel important, and make you special. Try to love and influence others not by what I can get from others, but what others want from us. Keeping love needs both loving and being loved. It should be both ways, giving and taking love. Do not only focus on being loved, but love, put other people’s perspective and understand it, and see and accept the person who they are, and their potential. If you try to force others to change, you are not in our control because it is in their control, and you will be miserable. If you think you can change yourself, not others, you are in control by improving yourself and actions. Others will not respond the way you want, but you are in control because you focus on your time and effort on what you can control.

“Be the Flame, not the Moth.”

Casanova

There are many others ways, and I want to add and explore about this subject in order to understand other people and why they do what they do. I think this will help me to find out who I do want to be, and who I do not want to.

My Strategies for the human nature to conform and feel important

1) Be Self-reliant

The endless misery starts from conformity, and it comes from the lack of sense of self. In early childhood, we were helpless and powerless. We needed others to live and survive. We needed to conform to the family and society. The reality was so harsh that we believed the parents and the group we belong as god. We feel protected by some divine power. In that way, we could feel safe and secure. We decided to conform because we have decided to conform and listen to others because we decided to do so in the past. However, we need to open our eyes to face the reality, and be an adult. People around us are not as good as we think. We are essentially alone. What the society and others consider to be good or bad is not based on reality, but their weaknesses and ignorance. You do not have to follow necessarily what others believe and follow. You must realize your uniqueness as a human being and must start to think for yourself, not accepting blindly what others follow in life. It is fucking liberating. You will decide the sense of self by being confident not on how others see you, but on reality, your uniqueness and your ability to think for yourself. It does not mean you can be a shit because you like to do it. You know who you are and where you are and, the sense of love you feel is much more profound. You think about your natural gift and work you are meant to do in this earth by knowing yourself deeply. The stronger the sense of who you are as an individual based on reality, and the stronger you will be to the pull of conformity, and you can think for yourself, and stop getting the sense of importance from outside. It is like a muscle you must constantly develop over and over.

“There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorant; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself better, for worse, as his portion; that through the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

2) Focus on Your mission in every moment

Once you develop the strong self-awareness, and sense of who you are, you can start develop your mission as a human being, which comes from the sense of who you are and conscience and what you consider to be good and bad. It is unique for everyone, and no one can decide it for you. You decide it yourself.

My mission is

I act as a good human being, a painstaking student, a good father, a strong warrior, who loves his family and fellow human beings, and work for the society, the humanity, and the nature he belongs to, using his unique gift at every moment, while living accordance to nature.

The chief aim in my life for now is to create an effective and well-organized community or organization which thrives at every aspect of life in this harsh world and everyone in the group can feel easy, safe, and also seek individual fulfillment to flourish their potential, while serving for the greater good of others, and solving problems in the community and the world, through its service.

My ultimate goal is to make a world where everyone should be treated like a unique individual not based on competition, and on who they are, and people around the world have to solve the greatest obstacles and problems around the world as humanity. There is no time, thinking about fucking our own shits. There should be less unnecessary suffering, more comfort in others.

In every moment, act on our mission, until we perish, and become dust.

“It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life-daily and our hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.”

Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl

3) Get the Sense of Worth from We Can Control

We can decide everything in life into two categories, what you can control and what you cannot control. We feel wretched when we get sense of self and worth form things which are not in our control because they are unstable, belonging to others, and they can leave you as easy as you get it. What are things which are not in our control?

Body(appearance)

As you age, it cannot help becoming less attractive to others physically. You will become less attractive, and you will have less hair. It is a reality.

Property

Property, Money, things you have are controlled by others because others decide they pay you money or not, and others can take them away from you anytime.

Reputation

The acceptance and admiration from others will make us feel good, but often this is often not based on who you really are, but illusions people have on you. You will be disappointed if you put too much trust in such illusion. They will leave you when they realize your true nature.

command

Power and status can become weak by time. The circumstances can change, and there are always better and more talented people around you, who can take your place.

Get the sense of worth from thing we can control

Skill, Knowledge and wits

Skills, Experiences, knowledge and what we have learned in our life time can be a great ally in facing a difficult situation, and they are what really matter.

Actions

We are not in control of how others react to us, but we are in control of our action. We can love others, but others may not love us back. It is OK.

Our human nature to conform and the problems of increasing the number of people who are narcissistic due social media is very crucial. How to deal with the anxiety coming from the human nature is very important to become a more integrated human, and solve the problems and chaos in the world.

Face The Emotion

Every moment and each moment in our life, we cannot help feeling emotions to every stimulus that come to my body.

Some emotions seem very pleasant, love, attraction, confident, understood, excited, respect or fun!!

However, we constantly face emotions which do not seem pleasant, fear, anxiety, worry, disgust, mistrust, and so on.

These weird emotions tend to make us confused and unstable in life like a roller coaster up and down.

In order to navigate life with clarity, we have to master our emotional self.

By understanding and clarifying what is really happening, and when and why we feel the way we feel, we can find strategies to deal with our emotions which seems very uncontrollable.

Face the emotion
Any emotion we feel is not good or bad, but very neutral. What makes us miserable is not the emotion we feel, but how we respond to that emotion and our thoughts. We can die with fear and insecurity, and we can choose to confront them, and overcome my weakness through handwork. Emotion is a very useful survival mechanism in order to survive in this harsh reality, which is deeply ingrained in the brain, a place called limbic region. It is deeper than neocortex, which controls language. This is the reason why we feel anxiety to another person who do not understand who I am even though I know this person is not bad and doing it on purpose. We cannot help feeling emotions.

This system is very useful to survive. For example, you are on the top of a tall building, and you are about to fall. You feel very strong fear because you will die if you fall! If you do not feel fear, you will be much likely to jump out from the building. You understand that you die, but you do not feel anything. It is a kind of psychopath.

We are more likely to survive to be with those who understand you and help you.

However, we can feel those emotions in our thinking. It is a very tricky part.
I usually fear making mistakes and being embarrassed in front people. Why? Making mistakes? Nothing is wrong about that. We are human beings. We are good at something and bad at other things. It is a irrational fear I create in my mind. It is good when we fear something is going bad or there is a danger in front of us. It is a problem when we fear things we do not have to fear.

On Narcissism

Gossips

On Narcissism

"Until you make unconscious conscious, we call it fate. "

Carl Jung

These days, I am kind of interested in the idea of narcissism because of my parents and people around me, and I had being very narcissistic all my life. 

As I started to know the idea of narcissism, I started to see everyone around my life as a narcissists including myself.

"Wait. Am I a narcissist? "

"Are those around us all narcissists?"

Yeah, we are all narcissists and we all love ourselves. We loves it when others listen to our stories and we loves it when our own worth being validated by others. We like others who like what we like. We all want that! We feel great, and worth by the attention from others, admiring us. We are on narcissistic spectrum. We need the self love in order to do anything, especially men. We need the testosterone comes from the belief that we can achieve something and we are worthy in order to do anything in life. The feeling I am the alpha male and I am the strongest is really important for men because if a man accept he is not worthy or flowed, it will make him very miserable and worthless. The feeling is fucking awful. I think being a narcissist is a defense mechanism from feeling worthless. 

There is a strategy and a goal for those who are tend to be narcissists. To be an alpha or feel important, they have to believe that "everyone has to be the worse than me. ", "They are worse, worse, worse,so I am great!"  I think the human nature to constantly compare myself with others is doing something wrong here. It is a disaster for one to only get the sense of worth from comparison and making others down. I do not want to be in such a place. It will make my life miserable.

I think Everyone will be saved by this sentence 

""

 However, what does happens the moment we cannot get validation from others. In childhood, we developed the sense of who I am in order to get validation from myself instead depending on others's validation. When we are not validated by others, we get the sense of worth from the image of our self we created. I think I developed it later in life after reading 7 habits of highly effective people and going abroad to Australia and developing my English skills. I could start to get the sense of who I am and started to learn about myself after developing the self awareness and finding what I am good at. Whatever happens in life, I could count on the sense of self that I could learn English and I have experiences going abroad and surviving in such situations, so whatever happens in life. I believe I can get over anything if I am alive.

In childhood, I think I could not get the sense of who I am from my parent. I think I get it from Steven R Covey. He played as an father role to accept who I am and help me to go through the process of developing myself. Yeah, it was not an easy path, and there was up and down. I started to develop it little by little. I am sure I am still on that process, and I sometimes feel depressed when I feel that anyone does not understand me or in a harsh situation or when I feel rejected by someone I love. However, I can get back to my normal state after some struggle by doing what I love or reading something which inspire me.

However, I realized that a lot of people lack the sense of self inside, failing to go through the process of developing who they are due to what happens in their childhood and life, and to get the sense of self, they need validation from others.

If the symptom become so severe, they will be addicted to the attention they get from others. 

I know how terrible they feel because I sometimes feel that way, too.

I think the deepest cause of this is our social nature.

We, human beings, are social animal by nature, and constantly compare ourselves and others, and we are made to form a hierarchy based on the skills or abilities we have. Once we are in the hierarchy, we have to prove we are alpha and want to be up the hierarchy or we will feel miserable, especially men. The pressure to conform to a group or society is a source of human misery in life. If we are a student or a worker, we conform to a school, a class or a company, and have to behave the way, which are acceptable. The pull of conformity is really strong. If it is too strong, we have to suppress our uniqueness and what make us unique, and start to lose the sense of who we are, and see and worry what others think about us.

This is a quote by Erich Fromm I found in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Today we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and those sense of dull despair has take the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth.

How strong is social thinking have to our emotional well being and our life. Once we conform to the society, we constantly think about how others see us, not who truly we are and what the reality is. 

If we think deeply and critically, it is obvious that how others treat us will never change who we are because you are unique and special because you are different at DNA, experiences, and influences in life. And, you have no need to compare yourself with others.  Here, We need a big paradigm shit in our life to start living our life and be a healthy narcissist.

How to deal with the narcissists
We are all narcissist, but we are on some where on the narcissistic spectrum. We should not deny our narcissistic tendency. However, if the symptoms of narcissists become very sever, it starts to make problems around the world. Those who get attention or feeling of worth only from making conflict and getting attention from others, using them just to get feeling of worth. Robert Greene strongly claimed that they can not get out of that after certain age between 20 and 30.

I think there are so many people who get hurt in relationships with deep narcissists, and wanna revenge them or wanna them hurt by using certain tricks. There are so many video in YouTube like that.

However, I wanna approach them differently. See the deep narcissists as who they are. I think this strategies can be used to everyone not to narcissists.

1. See narcissists as human beings.
As Robert Greene said in a interview

“Unfortunately, we are human beings.”

We have human natures, and some of us are deeply influenced by relationships with our parents.
Deep narcissists are not something good or bad, but a natural phenomena, which is deeply related to their relationships with their parents. Maybe they are immeshed by their parents or they did not get enough attention because their parents were also deep narcissists.

How to be a healthy narcissist.  

Face the reality, not what we want to believe.

When I was a high school student, I read the book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.", Which changed my life. The author, Steven R.Covey, taught me very important lessons to be a effective person, and live effectively. 

Habit1: Be proactive

Habit2: Begin with an end in mind 

Habit3: Put first things first

Habit4: Think win-win

Habit5: Seek first to understand and then to be understood

Habit6: Synergize 

Habit7: Sharpen the saw 

These ideas are based on the reality, and very useful to be independent and have good relationships with others. I need to study the book over and over again to master it. It is really valuable. What he is saying is good and fine, and I viewed the life full of hope. 

Then, I started to read Robert Greene.