On Narcissism

"Until you make unconscious conscious, we call it fate. "

Carl Jung

These days, I am kind of interested in the idea of narcissism because of my parents and people around me, and I had being very narcissistic all my life. 

As I started to know the idea of narcissism, I started to see everyone around my life as a narcissists including myself.

"Wait. Am I a narcissist? "

"Are those around us all narcissists?"

Yeah, we are all narcissists and we all love ourselves. We loves it when others listen to our stories and we loves it when our own worth being validated by others. We like others who like what we like. We all want that! We feel great, and worth by the attention from others, admiring us. We are on narcissistic spectrum. We need the self love in order to do anything, especially men. We need the testosterone comes from the belief that we can achieve something and we are worthy in order to do anything in life. The feeling I am the alpha male and I am the strongest is really important for men because if a man accept he is not worthy or flowed, it will make him very miserable and worthless. The feeling is fucking awful. I think being a narcissist is a defense mechanism from feeling worthless. 

There is a strategy and a goal for those who are tend to be narcissists. To be an alpha or feel important, they have to believe that "everyone has to be the worse than me. ", "They are worse, worse, worse,so I am great!"  I think the human nature to constantly compare myself with others is doing something wrong here. It is a disaster for one to only get the sense of worth from comparison and making others down. I do not want to be in such a place. It will make my life miserable.

I think Everyone will be saved by this sentence 

""

 However, what does happens the moment we cannot get validation from others. In childhood, we developed the sense of who I am in order to get validation from myself instead depending on others's validation. When we are not validated by others, we get the sense of worth from the image of our self we created. I think I developed it later in life after reading 7 habits of highly effective people and going abroad to Australia and developing my English skills. I could start to get the sense of who I am and started to learn about myself after developing the self awareness and finding what I am good at. Whatever happens in life, I could count on the sense of self that I could learn English and I have experiences going abroad and surviving in such situations, so whatever happens in life. I believe I can get over anything if I am alive.

In childhood, I think I could not get the sense of who I am from my parent. I think I get it from Steven R Covey. He played as an father role to accept who I am and help me to go through the process of developing myself. Yeah, it was not an easy path, and there was up and down. I started to develop it little by little. I am sure I am still on that process, and I sometimes feel depressed when I feel that anyone does not understand me or in a harsh situation or when I feel rejected by someone I love. However, I can get back to my normal state after some struggle by doing what I love or reading something which inspire me.

However, I realized that a lot of people lack the sense of self inside, failing to go through the process of developing who they are due to what happens in their childhood and life, and to get the sense of self, they need validation from others.

If the symptom become so severe, they will be addicted to the attention they get from others. 

I know how terrible they feel because I sometimes feel that way, too.

I think the deepest cause of this is our social nature.

We, human beings, are social animal by nature, and constantly compare ourselves and others, and we are made to form a hierarchy based on the skills or abilities we have. Once we are in the hierarchy, we have to prove we are alpha and want to be up the hierarchy or we will feel miserable, especially men. The pressure to conform to a group or society is a source of human misery in life. If we are a student or a worker, we conform to a school, a class or a company, and have to behave the way, which are acceptable. The pull of conformity is really strong. If it is too strong, we have to suppress our uniqueness and what make us unique, and start to lose the sense of who we are, and see and worry what others think about us.

This is a quote by Erich Fromm I found in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

Today we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know know or understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and those sense of dull despair has take the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth.

How strong is social thinking have to our emotional well being and our life. Once we conform to the society, we constantly think about how others see us, not who truly we are and what the reality is. 

If we think deeply and critically, it is obvious that how others treat us will never change who we are because you are unique and special because you are different at DNA, experiences, and influences in life. And, you have no need to compare yourself with others.  Here, We need a big paradigm shit in our life to start living our life and be a healthy narcissist.

How to deal with the narcissists
We are all narcissist, but we are on some where on the narcissistic spectrum. We should not deny our narcissistic tendency. However, if the symptoms of narcissists become very sever, it starts to make problems around the world. Those who get attention or feeling of worth only from making conflict and getting attention from others, using them just to get feeling of worth. Robert Greene strongly claimed that they can not get out of that after certain age between 20 and 30.

I think there are so many people who get hurt in relationships with deep narcissists, and wanna revenge them or wanna them hurt by using certain tricks. There are so many video in YouTube like that.

However, I wanna approach them differently. See the deep narcissists as who they are. I think this strategies can be used to everyone not to narcissists.

1. See narcissists as human beings.
As Robert Greene said in a interview

“Unfortunately, we are human beings.”

We have human natures, and some of us are deeply influenced by relationships with our parents.
Deep narcissists are not something good or bad, but a natural phenomena, which is deeply related to their relationships with their parents. Maybe they are immeshed by their parents or they did not get enough attention because their parents were also deep narcissists.

How to be a healthy narcissist.